Some boy on the metro this afternoon had the same mannerisms and movements of my rapist, triggering a flashback and causing me to have to swallow hard the panic that rose in my throat.
Goddamnit, that annoys me. I have said this before, but so often my rape issues are not tragic; they are just fucking irritating. I am TIRED of this rape bullshit. Brain, SHUT UP ALREADY. Jesus. I HAVE LAW FINALS TO WORRY ABOUT IT.
Also, since I am talking about this crap, I cannot pretend that seeing Florence + the Machine last night was all positive - the kind of love and yearning and enchantment she brought up reminded me of all the things that were beautiful about being with my rapist before, obviously, he raped me. You know how good love songs always make your heart stir for one specific person? It struck me, when she was singing, that if he had never assaulted me, all those love songs? I would have heard and felt him everywhere in them.
And it seemed so sad that the one person those songs would have all been about is the person who has hurt me so deeply that he is now lost to me forever.