So, seriously, I got nothing to say this morning. I just wanted to say, "Hi." I went to see The Vibrator Play last night (and here is the NY Times Review so you can get a better idea of the story) and so I have been thinking about orgasms like ALL morning, but I don't have any coherent anything to say about that yet. I have been pondering what female orgasms would look like, what my orgasms would look like, if porn and R-rated movies had never existed, and there weren't expectations by myself and others that I would come in a certain way. I have a meeting, a great deal of reading to do, and happy hour with my fellow journal colleagues today. It's still fucking hot out. If I end up on all un-air-conditioned subway cars AGAIN today, I will know god is officially fucking with me.
I just wanted to reach out and say, "Hey." Hi, Readers! This is an open thread. Share whatever you like! I'll see you in comments.
Hi hello!
ReplyDeleteMan, orgasms. I watched one episode of The L Word once with my ex, who pointed out that how characters had sex on the show was not how we had sex—theirs involved a lot of thrusting motions, but ours didn't really; if I had to pick out a characteristic action it would be rubbing, not thrusting. It was sort of weird and uncomfortable to watch gay sex that was not the kind of gay sex I was having. My thoughts about it went like this:
1) omg i am doing it rong
2) no wait, we are enjoying each other
3) maybe the lesbian sex on TV is modelled after straight sex? I know that some of the writers and producers are queer, but maybe they picked one party on top of the other, thrusting into her, only, ever, because it's more recognizable for their audience; or maybe there were other pressures in production that made that the best choice.
4) it could have been that that episode in particular wasn't representative, and I just never got around to watching any more to confirm or recalibrate my impression
5) (And I hadn't had a lot of straight sex at that time and so was conjecturing wildly about what it was like! Probably something like in porn, I figured.)
It is interesting that you are wondering what orgasms would be like without porn-fuelled expectations about what they should look like, because the other day I had a wistful thought about what whole sexual encounters would be like without those expectations. What made me think about it is that my SO is slow to orgasm most of the time and sometimes we can't get there at all—but then he feels like he has to apologize to me, because sex is supposed to go foreplay-penetration-male orgasm and he must have screwed it up somewhere.
We have been playing around with sex designed not to follow that progression, like maybe there will not be any penetration at all this time. Or this time his orgasm doesn't mark the end of the encounter, there is still hot fun stuff to do. I just realized that it sounds like the sex I am having is All About The Man, but it's really really not—he is focused on my pleasure and engaged with it, and has fun touching me; it's just that every porno ever ends with a male orgasm, and also if your erection goes away then the penetration has to stop and then boy howdy well I guess we aren't having sex at all anymore.
It's a tricky narrative to navigate around!
Related to vibrators and to the foregoing is this excellent post on Sex Nerd about rabbits and cultural expectations!
Is it obvious that I work from home and am easy to distract!
I fucking (HA) love your comment, B.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW, with the penetration and the narratives and if the dude can't penetrate, then the assumption is there is no sex to be had! Or that if the erection is lost, the sex is over! I mean, the erection is ENTIRELY not central to my pleasure. So, like, I've been having dudes apologize to me if they can't get or stay hard, and I'm like, uhhhh, I could care less, gentlemen. You will make me come anyway! So whatever! And I have definitely planned non-penetrative, non PIV (penis in vagina) sexy times with dudes, and those have been such fun. Because you have to make up your own narratives about what's going to happen, and how it's going to go, and the communication is better.
And OBVIOUSLY, this is why I enjoy sex with the ladies (and I probably enjoy this sex more! Don't tell any of the dudes I've slept with! But just because it is more about communicating desires and mutual pleasure than This Is What We Do Now, and This Is How We Know We're Done).
As for the thrusting, I once told a dude, "You are not a jackhammer, and jackhammers are not sexy ANYWAY." I had to explain that, contrary to what he sees, it is not the vigorous, manly thrusts that get me off, but the angle, the pressure.
By the way, I haven't seen the L Word, but I have heard it is awful. Also, I remember seeing billboards for it in NYC when it started, and commenting to a friend based on the appearance and the marketing of the women, "Oh, good, every straight dude's fantasy. We don't have enough of THAT."
I feel like we should have t-shirts that say, "Sex: Ur Never Doing It Wrong."
YOU ARE SO RIGHT. Basically everyone needs to figure out what feels good to them and communicate it to their partners, is how I feel. I miss girl sex for the communication part, too.
ReplyDeleteThis Is What We Do Now, and This Is How We Know We're Done is a good way to describe sex narratives! How boring and predictable. For a year or two after I was raped I experimented with various regular hookup partners, trying to feel better about being in my body, relearning that sex was safe, etc. But they were all encounters governed by that very linear narrative, so they didn't help all that much. The sex was okay and not scary, but it was just lying back and Being Done, you know? It is very easy to get detached from yourself when sex is Doing and Being Done. Spontaneous sex where everyone can touch everyone and there is no fixed end point is so, so, so much awesomer, I'm embarrassed that it took me so long to figure that out.
SOMEWHAT RELATEDLY. I hate the "if I cannot make her come my own self, I am no man at all" narrative a little, too. My SO and I lived in different time zones for a while, and he was super into mail ordering toys and stuff when we were apart, but the first time I brought one out when we were actually in bed together he was all "WHOA WHAT IS THAT WHY IS THAT HERE."
Uh, dude, it is here for fun, it is an awesome accessory and having it around does not unman you. He was stuck in thinking it was a "marital aid" I guess, like a thing you only break out in desperate times When You Just Can't Please Her Yourself. My vibrators are even the very pretty and nonthreatening Lelo ones that are named after flowers! Not serious business orgasm machines like Magic Wands or anything!
I would wear that T-shirt. Or a lapel pin with that slogan on it.
I think there is a shame around anyone who cannot get their partner off, and it took me a while to get over that.
ReplyDeleteI mean, overshare, but like: I don't think I am very good at jerking off dudes, at least as compared to them doing it themselves. So now, when I have stopped feeling badly that I do not have magically orgasmic hands, I incorporate their masturbation into the sex - and do I feel like it has made me a bad partner? No! It turns out to be really, really hot, and we work it into the evening in all kinds of different ways, and I do not feel bad about this. I think most people are best at making themselves come. So why not use that?
Hey, also, historically, you know, there was the fear that vibrators would replace men, and that was part of the reasoning some states used to ban them. For real.
I would so wear that t-shirt. Maybe we can get on this.
Oh god, incorporating masturbation into sex is one of the smartest ideas. A++++
ReplyDeleteI did not know that vibrator fact! Do you know if there is a book that's a history of vibrators? Because I would like to read one! Bonus super awesome cool points if it is a Foucault-type genealogy, but also totally okay if not.
The Technology of Orgasm, by Rachel Maines. It was one of my main sources (other than legal stuff, obviously) for my paper, and it is AWESOME. I highly recommend the book.
ReplyDeleteORDERED. If you want a counter-recommendation, I am loving the hell out of Bodies & Pleasures by Ladelle McWhorter. It's about sexual identities! And it's very personal and difficult to read in parts, because she has horror stories about growing up a lesbian in Alabama and being subject to awful treatment efforts to get the gay out. But it is amazing.
ReplyDeleteORDERED. I might be able to use it to discuss consent and autonomous female sexuality within non-mainstream sexual communities for my paper in Feminist Legal Theory Class. WOOO.
ReplyDeleteBOOKS. YES. I hope it proves useful!
ReplyDelete