Extraneous Metaphors
words of snide courtesy fit me to a "t."
a thing is nothing until it is named.
we pick up cups by their verbal handles
and know to drink from them.
you could crack me like an egg -
with pressure from all sides evenly
then i may stay whole -
but one swift hit and i
am pure gold yolk dripping through
your fingers.
i would be called Delicate,
you would be afraid to touch me.
i would move into the china
cabinet and wait for dust to
line my edges like the teacups
at my elbows.
or i would be called Weak.
i would grow old then,
but more quickly growing
thin.
(you would see then, i am nothing
but waiting soul and
skin.)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I have an awful case of rapebrain tonight.
Also, guess whose rapist has disappeared off Facebook? Why does this bother me? Because I think NOT knowing about him or what he is up to means he could be ANYWHERE, doing ANYTHING, and that is far scarier. Also: it might mean he is in a bad place, and doing some bad shit again, with the no Facebook page. And for some reason I got onto replaying this, like, imagined scenario, in my head today, of what if he dies: do I cry? Do I go to the funeral for closure? Do I just get furious, or finally tell all the people who mutually know us what happened? I DON'T KNOW. And I don't know how I got there, with that particular fantasy, or like what the fuck my brain is up to. But I am struggling with issues around sex and intimacy and relationships (like apparently, if you like me, and you express wanting to be with me, I might freak out! Because I was raped by a kid with whom I was involved on and off for ten years and also did indeed consider My Greatest Love! And hey, that makes me a little weird about anyone asserting they like me, apparently! Or getting too close or intimate! Who knew!) tonight, and so, yeah. I am also trying to get work done. So, fuck it, I am leaving you possibly my favorite poem I have ever written about myself. It is especially true tonight.
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That poem is beautiful and amazing. I wish I knew what to say to the rest of your post that might be helpful or useful in some way, but since I don't, just know that you're in my thoughts. (not in a creepy way!)
ReplyDeletePeace,
Maggie
So sorry you are feeling like crap, internet buddy :( A million cups of tea and relaxing distractions to you!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you are supposed to deal with someone dying. A guy who assaulted me when I was in high school died in a car wreck a few years later and people wanted to reminisce with me about what a great person he had been, which, uh, no. But it felt too selfish (?) to actually SAY anything, because they were mourning their friend. I just quietly cut off all contact with everyone, which seems like an awesome strategy when you're 17 and scared out of your mind, but in retrospect was not really helpful for anyone.
Sometimes I have little revenge fantasies about storming into my shitty ex's funeral (he is alive and well, says facebook, but it's a fantasy) wearing big stompy boots, and shitting all over everyone's sadness. Or maybe I would turn up in boots and there would be nobody grieving at all, and I could have a big angry party with anyone else he'd ever hurt, like an anti-wake.
tl;dr: Fucking keeping track of people! Fucking rapebrain. (Thank you for coining that term, it is very useful shorthand.) I liked the poem but my critical muscle is atrophied and I don't know how to explain what it is that I liked. Being called Delicate and being handled with too much care is the resonant bit for me. You are pretty great and I hope your back-to-work is going alright.
Chances are he just blocked you, while it's easy to see significance in his absence, it may not be a terrible omen. Have you got any mutual acquaintances that you could check with? Do you know of anyone who might know where he is? I strongly believe your feelings and personal safety are more important in this than his desire for some anonymity.
ReplyDeleteI know that bad news always breeds sleepless nights and conjecture. You don't deserve that and any damage control you can do will be all for the good. If knowing where he is, is what it takes, do it. If only so you can be away from him.
You are allowed to grieve in whichever way you need to, so long as you are safe. You don't have to plan that far ahead now. Plan for a day. It'll be easier.
I'm sorry that you're in a difficult position, I hope things are better in the morning. Take care, Gayle.
No, Iany, I had actually blocked him, and he had tried to friend me after that. But now he's not there - he isn't listed on any of his friends' pages, even when I'm not signed in. I was thinking about asking someone, but then, I don't know if I want to know. Or let it get back to him I was asking after him. I don't know.
ReplyDeleteThis morning is better. I'm about to go for a run, that always helps. Thank you, maggienotmegan, and B., with the revenge fantasies, I TOTALLY hear you. What a weird experience, to have people try to mourn your assailant with you. Ugh.