You guys. Is it too much information if I complain about my period on my blog? How about to other people? What about dude people? What about dude people I don't even really know that well?
And if it makes them uncomfortable, should I care?
As I am getting older, I am increasingly unable to tell what is appropriate for conversation anymore. I blame some of this on being a middle school teacher. As a middle school teacher, your job, in being a good role model for your kids as well as a good sex-ed teacher, is to be very matter-of-factual about everything. I mean, ok, whenever I would begin any conversation about sex at the start of the year, I would say to my class, "Alright folks, everyone say, 'Penis.'" And they would say it and laugh uproariously. And then I would say, yeah, ok, say it again. Say it again. Say it again. And I'd have them keep saying "penis" until it had become not funny anymore. And then I would say, "GREAT! Now everyone say vagina!" And we'd repeat this. And then when everyone was done with the giggles, we could begin.
I can also tell you, as a teacher, there is NO STORY, no matter how embarrassing, shameful, gross, or unflattering you will NOT TELL to make a teaching point. I have told my students pretty much fucking EVERYTHING if they had important questions and I thought it would help the discussion. For instance: "Yeah, ok, once I had a condom break on me, and I didn't handle it well and freaked out. That was not helpful! This could happen to you! But these are what your options are after you have stopped freaking out." As a teacher, everything becomes just . . . part of being a human being. You stop remembering sexual things are supposed to be loaded. Because there are a bunch of little people in front of you and they really need to know about their own bodies and sexual health and the emotional stuff too, all of it, not just how to get a condom on a banana (which we also practiced). I wanted them to be safe. I wanted them to trust themselves, and to listen, and to understand and prize consent. Talking about sex was about their very mental and physical integrity, it was about life or death, and as such I treated it with solemnity and seriousness.
And also: you get a bunch of kids really blase about body stuff, and hilarity will ensue. One afternoon when I was teaching seventh grade we had some free time, and one of my boys puts his hand up and says, "Miss, ok, can I ask? Periods. You just bleed every month? Like, what the hell." And so, you know, I explained, complete with a diagram on the board, and the ladies weighed in on the shittiness of cramps and started rooting through their bags and pulling out pads and tampons, showing the boys what they were like. And the boys, for whatever reason, freaked. Here is a pad, in a wrapper, and these giant badass teenage boys were screeching and lunging from their chairs shrieking, "OH MY GOD DON'T TOUCH ME WITH A PAD." And the girls, of course, laughed at them, and were all, "YOU IDIOTS, calm down. What is WRONG with you? It's just plastic, JESUS."
Eventually the boys attempted to regain some shreds of their dignity and with deep trepidation handle these terrifying, foreign objects of plastic and cotton (Me: "Guys, don't you live with women?" One of my boys: "Yeah, but I stay FAAAAAAR away from that stuff."). If there was anything my kids were always good at, though, it was getting their shit together and handling things with grace. Or SOMETHING like grace, because by the end of the period, half my boys had pads open and stuck to their bodies in various places. AS YOU DO.
So, you know, that can kinda fuck with your ideas about what is appropriate for polite conversation, I feel.
I think living in India made me get over a lot, because when you and your roommates are wary of tummy bugs, and often get tummy bugs, there are a lot of conversations over the breakfast table about poo. And finally, well, when it comes down to it: I just don't give a shit about polite conversation. I've no interest in being polite. Bleeding makes men uncomfortable? Let me call them a waaaambulance! No one wants to be reminded of my sexuality? Get the fuck over yourselves! Bodies and their functions make people squidgy? HOW??? And what is really the difference between me complaining of cramps and me complaining of a headache? I can't think of an answer to that.
It's not just me complaining about cramps. Sometimes I will just tell folks about my sex life. I talk loudly about sex with other people, both academically and about the sex I am personally having, A LOT. E. and I once had a conversation about genital warts, a conversation that could not at all be characterized as quiet or private, at a bar, and it never occurred to us that maybe laughing hysterically about HPV (ok: probably not funny when you have it) was perhaps not helping anyone enjoy their drinks. I will also occasionally announce to folks I have to poo. I just . . . you know? Like, why not? Every reason I can think of for why not is stupid. Or indefensible. Our discomfort with our bodies and other people's bodies and the shit we do as biological, living creatures is just not something I want to indulge.
So, you know what, folks? I have horrid cramps right now. And my cramps can get ten times worse when I use a tampon, so I am in that place right now where every time I stand up, I feel like I am losing an organ between my legs (Ladies: YOU ALSO HATE THIS FEELING, I KNOW).* I have an auto-immune disease that makes my period especially bad, so I'll probably have to take a narcotic to dull the cramp pain enough to sleep tonight. And I have the busiest day ever tomorrow. BOOO, to being a lady.
If anyone else would like to complain about anything, here's your chance. I respect and appreciate you and your body, so anything you want to talk about it doing is totally fine by me. We always hear from New-Agey-type people that your body is your temple and blah blah blah, but sometimes your body does gross things and it hurts and it's a pain in the ass. So feel free to whinge! And with that, I have to end this post, because I really have to pee.
*Note: I know that there are some lady-identified folks and cisgender lady folks who do not get their periods - I realized the language I'd used was incorrect after I wrote the post. I do not wish to make you feel excluded. I realize it should read "Some ladies;" I didn't correct it in the original and am merely doing so down here because I didn't want to erase my complicity in cis-privileged narratives. I apologize.
This is in no way trying to trivialize your period pain at all, but I've heard that relying on medicine to take away pain weakens our bodies' ability to deal with pain. If I get lucky in timing this next cycle (as in, initial and worst pains happening during class or whatnot), I'm going to try and not take medicine. Supposedly the period after the first no-med one, the cramps are significantly less painful. Though there's nothing like that moment when your bowels have stopped arguing with your uterus and the medicine kicks in and you can finally walk and sit straight...
ReplyDeleteHey Sam, I didn't really get into what it's like having an auto-immune disease where your body thinks the hormones that are in your body while you have your period are toxic space invaders and thus has the awful reaction of making you REALLY REALLY SICK, but, um. No meds are not an option for me, like at all. I had to be hospitalized my first two periods; I have had pain such that I have taken 5 percocets and it made no dent. Meds and I, we're staying tight.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think those people are LIARS. I don't believe in suffering as redemption/strength narratives. Fuck that shit.
Ha, people have mostly got used to me talking about cramps, because on Day 1 they're so horrific that if I do manage to haul myself to work, I sit hunched over my desk groaning. It's hard to blend in and smile like a Feminax commercial in that state, so someone's bound to ask what's wrong, and my answer is usually something like "IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS A RAT INSIDE MY UTERUS TRYING TO GNAW ITS WAY OUT, can I have a cup of tea please."
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the weirdness of what's deemed 'inappropriate' talk, also. I like to think that talking about periods helps break down the Cloaked Mystery that comes between gentlemen and Women's Parts*, but maybe I just like to whine.
* That is not a condom euphemism.
The only time I've ever had pain endurance lessen a pain cycle... or even attempted it, was when I was afraid I'd started getting migraines whenever I didn't take pain pills. Like, I'd been taking acetaminophen and ibuprofen so often, that my body would give me a migraine whenever I didn't take them, to get me to take them again. There's a term for it, but I don't remember what the term is anymore.
ReplyDeleteSo I stopped taking all pain medications for a couple of weeks to try and stop the cycle. And Gods, did my head hurt... for nearly 2 weeks straight. Worst. Migraine. Ever. I don't even remember now what stopped it finally. I do remember drinking myself into oblivion one night because I was ready to do almost ANYTHING for a brief surcease from the constant pain in my head.
Can suffering through constant pain make us uh... more pain tolerant? Yeah. I'll believe that before I'll believe that suffering through it makes things hurt less. I don't see high pain tolerance as necessarily a good thing though. At a certain point, you lose the ability to tell when something is 'okay' and when something is hurting you. Being used to being in pain is not the same thing as something hurting less. Personally, I prefer to hurt less.
I've never had cramps that were completely debilitating. Normally on my period, I'm in just enough pain to make me cranky without it being enough to stop me from doing things. (Kind of annoying, really.) Also, I get really sleepy... I suppose that's the blood loss...
But the migraines. Gods, the number of things that can make my head explode in agony are far too many. And when it happens, this really impedes my ability to function efficiently. Like, I'll forget what I'm doing EVERY 30 SECONDS. No, literally. And then I get VERY cranky, and snappy, and other people start getting annoyed with me because they think I'm acting like a jerk.
Worst is that I've had them frequently enough that when they are mild, I FORGET they are there. (Remember how I said high pain tolerance can suck?) I'm so used to there being some pain in my head that I'll note it, think to myself, 'I should take something', and then forget all about it. For hours. Meanwhile I am getting more and more cranky and snapping at people and think that I'm just annoyed at things going on. Until like, someone says to me, 'You are awfully cranky. Is something wrong?' or 'Why are you getting so upset?' or the pain gets worse, and suddenly I remember that 'OH YEAH. MY HEAD IS IN PAIN.'
I get cramps that are too painful to suffer through while I go about my daily routine, although it probably does not compare to what you go through because I have never been prescribed anything for it or hospitalized or anything like that.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I cannot concentrate through the pain well enough to safely drive a car or sit through a lecture or go into work for the day. I have trouble just doing the work required to take care of my kids. I can't even leave the house because it takes me less than an hour to go through the thickest pads.
The worst part isn't the physical symptoms, but the lack of understanding. It is hard to explain to your boss that you are missing a day of work or two every month because of your period. And hard to hear family members tell me to suck it up and continue on with my life the way other women do. And I can't stand when peers don't understand why I sometimes have to miss a conference (because traveling 6 hours away is such a practical thing for me to do when there are no bathrooms). Mostly, I just can't take the "it's normal, deal with it" arguments, as though every woman has the same experience so it really can't be that bad...
I've heard that relying on medicine to take away pain weakens our bodies' ability to deal with pain
ReplyDeleteDude. Shut the fuck up? Seriously. The fuck, you must shut it. What is up with the health drive-bys on the internet? I don't even care that Gayle has an auto-immune disease. I mean, I care, because I love Gayle (hi!). But like, I don't care. Because I don't have such a disease and I just have regular cramps and I TAKE DRUGS BECAUSE IT HURTS. Jesus.
Stop being annoying. The end.
Silvana, that comment right there epitomizes why we are friends and I love you so much.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to piss anyone off. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI feel pretty lucky in the scheme of things because if I can anticipate cramps and take drugs a little early, then I have no problems. And my period is regular like clockwork. Or at least it WAS until I moved in with a boy and my cycle got shorter (WHAT. BODY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP IT.) and now I am SURPRISED by it each month.
ReplyDeleteRight now I am doing freelancey work stuff from home and so it's okay if I lose six hours in the morning and early afternoon to napping intermittently and waking only to wash some more pills down with a sip of tepid water. And it's really only the first six hours that are terrible, and that's all. But fuck! BOOO TO BEING A LADY INDEED.
Also DAMN, THE PERIOD SHITS. I HATE THEM.
I was very shy to talk about my period but being a feminist have really given me the confidence to talk openly about it. I think a lot of women are ashamed to talk about it especially since commercialism has label periods to be smelly and yucky. Either way, since I bought my Divacup about a year ago, I have blogged a lot about it. By the way, I used to get horrible cramps but using the Divacup has stopped that or at least minimized it greatly (not saying it is a cause/effect). Now when I get my periods I get really tired, weak, and with bad back-pain and headaches.
ReplyDeleteSo, thank you for writing about this because we need to stop thinking that our menstrual flow is a huge taboo that happens to a selected few.
I have had thrush for most of this year. (That is a yeast infection by the way). It probably means that I am developing diabetes, and that is a whole, scary thing that I'm not going to go into right now. But yeah, I have had repeated bouts of thrush/a yeast infection. Right now I probably can't afford the prescription that I have for it for another couple of days- that is on UK prescription charges, which are under ten pounds. And it's possible that I won't be able to afford my antidepressants for another couple of days after that.
ReplyDeleteThrush, incidentally, is what happens when digestive bacteria gets into a place where it shouldn't be (i.e. my boycunt- I won't use the word vagina about my cunt, because it really really upsets me. Guess what word I have had to use a lot when talking to doctors). Basically, it is when shit gets in your cunt. Which it does, , sometimes. It hurts in various ways across a spectrum from "man, I wish my trousers didn't have a seam there" to "holy sweet loving Morgne the Goddess, can I somehow burn away my cunt with fire now as offering to you?". Sex when you have it is not impossible, and can even be fun, pleasurable, result in orgasm and be a good idea. It is, however, not easy. It really sucks to have pain get so bad that you can't continue, or start crying, when you are the partner who initiated sex, and you're really, really turned on.
Also, it sucks because I am a man. With a cunt. Which I don't mind that much- it's pretty inevitable that I'm going to keep it, it has some nerve endings with whom I would be BFF if they didn't hurt so much, and my cock (clit) which is going to grow eventually and that will be so awesome (testosterone for the win). Did I mention that the pain is frequently in my cock as well? It is. There is no getting away from the genital pain for this dude. But also, those genitals are sometimes not what #want to be thinking about. I got a device that suppresses my period fitted last year largely because I can't deal with periods, they freak me out pretty badly and remind me that I have a cunt in a way I don't like. Also hurt like hell, cause really really ad mood swings, and are not a good time. For a brief happy time I could forget that I had a cunt apart from during sex.
My experiences with thrush started about two weeks before I started living full time as male. Morgne's having some kind of hilarious joke.
I know what you mean about loosing the ability to tell what's appropriate in 'normal' conversation. With me, though, it's more due to the people I hang out with rather than needing to be straight-forward with kids (I do work with them a lot, but I've never been in a position where I could be blunt with them about any loaded topics.) It's like, once I was going to stay out with friends later than expected and said, "Oh, shoot, I don't have enough tampons," and they go, "It's cool, we'll stop at Walgreens." And all of these friends are dudes. So me and five guys just wander into the drug store and buy tampons while chatting about unrelated topics. This is how not-a-big-deal it is for me.
ReplyDeleteIt's lead to all sorts of fun situations at home (I'm 17 and still live with my parents.) Parents like to have house guests over for dinner parties, and I'll usually end up in conversations that go something like, "You ok, Flutterby? You don't look too good." "Oh, it's ok, just cramps. This always happens on my second day on the rag." *DIRTY LOOKS*
Gayle, that comment right there epitomizes why I won't be reading *this* blog anymore. Sam didn't say anything that was so bad they she should be told to shut the fuck up and that she's annoying. She mentions that *she* is going to try going off meds and sees if it helps.
ReplyDelete"so anything you want to talk about it doing is totally fine by me. "
but then it seems you forgot "and then I'll applaud my friend for insulting you and telling you to shut the fuck up"!"
Gayle,
ReplyDeleteI think you have full rights and authority to mention your body in any language you see fit to use. It might be irrelevant on another site just as a conversation about replacing windshield wiper blades would be irrelevant here.
However, any suggestions that the subject matter is in some fashion "bad" or "offensive" or "upsetting" is merely someone trying to make their personal choices into your problem. Which it is not.
Be well,
-arvan
I recently had a conversation with my manfriend that began with him asking "If I had a uterus, where would it be? Poke me where it would be" and ended in medical diagrams of "male" pelvic area vs. "female" pelvic area, which I used to explain why every.single.action. in that area is painful during my period. As in, there's a lot of shit all squished up together, so naturally, when my bladder is full, it puts pressure on my already-cramping uterus and makes it worse. He was delightfully interested, and usually is when it comes to that sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, nothing to weigh in on the meds thing, but I discovered something delightful about my body recently. You know how "they" say that physical exertion is supposed to relieve cramps? I got a copper IUD a few months ago, which heightened my period in terms of pain, volume, and length. I was out in the field doing archaeology when it came this week, hiking miles and miles a day in rough terrain, and my period lessened in pain, volume, and length--all good things when you're bleeding out in the middle of fucking nowhere. It was terribly convenient!
Hey Angie - WOO! I am glad you found something that works - I have always heard that exercise is supposed to help, although that has never been true for my body. In fact, when I run while I have my period, it makes my cramps WORSE. But all bodies are different, and I'm super glad you've found that physical exertion can actually make your period LESS bad.
ReplyDeletearvan, right on.
and pokemontaco, you are certainly welcome not to read here anymore, but the problem is the drive by internet health tips about what I should maybe try with *my* body, that are totally unsibstantiated. Sam's comment is fine if she couches it in terms of just what she's doing, but she was suggesting it to me that I try it. Which: what. the. fuck. Everyone can do whatever they want with their bodies! You have no idea about my body! Leave me out of it.
It's also that suggestions like that that are grounded in the "pain as points" thinking, like somehow suffering through makes you stronger. That shit is stupid. Suffering just means you suffer. No one gets awarded medals when they die for the most suffering. They just suffered more. And I don't have the time in my life to spend two days in the fetal position crying. So.
BUT. I cannot tell if this really works for me, but the panacea effect is good enough: an old wives' tale about cramps that my pediatrician told me about, that she said is actually based in sound science, is to take 2 tablespoons of honey to help with cramps. As your uterus is partly cramping because it's losing glucose so quickly, this is not such a terrible idea. Also, there are worse things than mixing a crapload of honey into like banana and plain yogurt for breakfast.
Oh! Oh man. That sounds like a great reason to drink tea with CRAPLOADS OF HONEY next time I get my period! It can't hurt me, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking a bit more about the inappropriateness/TMI thing. I had an acupuncturist who would routinely ask about the volume and colour of my menstrual blood, and since I had been using tampons forever I really didn't have any idea. Uh, I guess it is reddish? And there doesn't seem to be any more of it than there ever was? I ended up getting a menstrual cup out of curiosity, and holy shit. Now there is so much more gory detail into which I can go!
My SO has become accustomed it, but I think it was really unexpected the first time he asked me how my period was going (expecting a vague answer about cramps) and I announced that there had been an ounce and a half of it since 8am and that today it was BRICK RED AND SLIGHTLY LUMPY.
Details are super cool! It still feels weirder to say "today I passed a clot that was THE SIZE OF MY PINKY" than to say "today I sneezed out a glob of snot that was NEON GREEN", though, even though I think they're the exact same level of TMI.
(these were unfocused half-formed thoughts about inappropriateness!)
B., seriously, as I do not use tampons, I admit to a slight childhood fascination about what comes out of me during my period. Sometimes it's membranous. And that is a little gross, but also kinda fucking cool.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was reminded last year of why my best friend is my best friend. We were hanging out and I blew my nose, and, apparently, I was getting a sinus infection, and thus I announced, "Oh, THAT is not a color that should be coming out of my nose." Without even a second's pause, she goes, "Oh, let me see." And she insisted on checking out my tissue (and then on getting me some antibiotics ASAP - traffic cone orange, it is NOT a color you should EVER be expelling from your body, no sir).
But that is love and care right there, man. So your SO now being cool with your period descriptions? Yes. Awesome. There is no better way to say "I love you" than your intimate gory body details.
(It was me commenting above in the comment that might sound like it's from me, I just didn't want my detailed account of __________ with ___________ references attached to my username/blog. Yet)
ReplyDeleteWhen I still had periods, I stopped using pads/tampons nearly completely. I hate the feeling of a wad of bloody tissue between my legs, couldn't really afford a menstrual cup and my flow isn't THAT heavy- I'd use a pad or a tampon for the heaviest part of my period, and then wear dark clothes and underwear I didn't mind staining, and free bleed. I started just doing this at night when at my SO's house, because I was in the habit of sleeping naked/semi naked with him, and then it caught on and I did it in other areas/when not at my parents house.
I mean, I am freaked out by periods and don't want them happening, but even so, that was the happiest I've been with them, even if it means that one of the duvets we were using at the time looks like something left over from a crime scene (you really CAN'T put a sheet with menstrual blood on straight in the wash when at your SO's parents house).
Melusin, I do this on like the last day of my period, wear black underwear, when I am so OVER using anything and I will barely bleed anyway, if at all. LOVE that last day, when I can forgo using anything. Love.
ReplyDeleteHaha oh boy. I dump the contents of the menstrual cup down the sink—the bathroom here is arranged so that the sink is about a foot and a half away from the toilet, a little left of straight across from it, so you can reach it while seated. It is very handy for pouring out menstrua and swishing out the cup before sticking it back in. Anyway if the colour is particularly pretty I will sometimes doodle something in blood on the porcelain with a fingertip, before washing it away. There is a day where it's kind of mauve, that is a good day for doodles of dogwood shrubs.
ReplyDeleteTHAT IS TO SAY: It is not a childhood fascination! it is a legit fascination with an interesting thing?
p.s. I also do the who-gives-a-fuck black underwear thing on the last day or two. This is why black underwear was invented.
I get really terrible - literally paralysing - cramps that last for three days. I find that orgasms help A LOT with reducing the pain. It doesn't go away completely, but it is so much reduced that it is perfectly tolerable. Although, when you're hurting, it can be a bit hard to get in the mood. But it helps a lot. I find that it relieves the pain for 6-8 hours. Other types of exercise have not been helpful to me.
ReplyDelete