Saturday, September 24, 2011

I think I'm in love!


Hands off, ladies, he's mine.

Update: The original post was taken down. Dunno why. This is what google cache is for. YOU'RE WELCOME, LADIES.

Update Update:  So apparently, this guy thinks he can sue if you copy and paste his little okcupid screed on a your site and then mock it.  See shenanigans here.  And all I can say is: dude, BRING IT.  SUE.  It would give me funny shit to blog about for MONTHS.

Message: “Date and mate?”
My Self-Summary
I’d love to date you, really, I would. But first, I just gotta get somethin off my chest:

Honestly, im kinda done writing any of you girls. I’m also not paying for your night out, ur free ride, ur meet and greet, cuz its $$$ in a fire baby…poof! If anyone should pay, its probably you. Oh gasp, did a guy just really come out and say that? oh man, he must be cheap and an asshole…no ladies, thats called “entitlementtttttttttt……… . . !!!”. Chivalry is nice, Im all for it, when I actually know you. Not dropping 5+bucks a date on a totally random stranger(you) that is either completely psycho, or is about to have a mental breakdown cuz your x boyfriend just dumped you for a younger, thinner, and far nicer less entitled girl that he has been hooking up with for the past two months!


ok! Things Im also sick of reading about: grammar nazi’s, if ur a grammar nazi, ur not cool enough to hang with me. for real, Im most likely 1000% the writer you will ever be, have impeccable grammar when i want to and more than likely have 10x the education you could ever imagine…so there. I treat this like a text message, not a love letter.

Oh and corporate girls, blah, ur not nearly as business savvy as you think, buy a power suit, and keep climbing that ladder…im the guy on top of it greasing the pole and pushing u down. zzzzoooooom! have a nice ride.

Also, girls, since im on a role tonight, I cant stand the god damn red sox and fairweather surburbanite fans that came out of the trees in 2003/2004 left in 2005 then suddenly arrived again in 2007, cuz it was quasi cool again for 2 months, man get real. seriously take off the pink cap, wear a bruins shirt if u must, and put down the vodka cran, more than likely you’ve already had far too many.

Furthermore, you are far less attractive than you think you are and what guys in new england give you credit for. cold weather, desperation and alcohol makes us see things that arent there, k? If you want to know what a beautiful woman looks like move to Italy, Spain, Southern France or Eastern Europe and take lots of notes.

lets see what else, no a girl hasnt screwed me over, and no im not bitter, and yes you do look fat in that skirt, hmmmm thats about it for now.

So if you
1.are sane
2. take ur pills if ur not sane
3. arent prissy, think ur entitled, or just loooveee the red soxxx
OMG! like for real LOL oh jacoby he’s soooo cute. (vomit)
4. you are actually classy, genuine, ridiculously good looking, or at the very least oddly attractive, sincere, compassionate, funny, and just happen to have a great rack and an ass that they rap about, feel free to write me!!! Id love to hear from you!

Im actually really nice and sweet. I know i sound like a dick, guilty as charged, but im also very nice, this rare combination makes me a bit of an ass. and i know u like ass. Im looking forward to the love/hate mail! Which, btw Ive only received one hate mail, but she’ll do on a slow night so I favorited her, and she flipped, but i think there is a chance, def a combo pack with that one, psycho and hurt, i best hide my light switch. chop.

check that, just got another hater, told me to “die in a ditch”…sorry baby, im getting cremated, graveyards are such a waste of good real estate. she must be the type i just wrote about…i kinda feel bad though, she has some sort of snookie complex…unlike most fakers, I was actually born there! proof: most babies kicked in the womb before they were born. I fist pumped.

Listen, im just trying to speak the truth…Most likely we are not meant to be, a long term entity, and that is the key, or we’d be… at fucking e.harmony!!!…..So lets skip the date and lets fuckin mate! nothing wrong with some Tiger style….at least for a little awhile…tie me up! and tickle my toes, in your bed i do propose…so let us hang!and let us bang!….my greatest asset is my 12” wang!
What I’m doing with my life
1.probably you. maybe ur best friend too.
2. eh, throw ur twin sister in, might as well.
3. saving kittens out of trees.
4.Working out, I have the body of a Greek God, no really i do.
5. Writing random rants that make me laugh
6. Telling it how it is on this site
7. knitting, i love to knit.
8. Mourning GIZMO, RIP fluffyface, 15 more weeks of mourning.
10. Manning the be
11. kinky sex (wanna be next?)
12. running my pay per site.

p.s. when we are DO-ING IT, u bad, nasty thang you…please refer to me at all times as Captain Kink. Ay! Ay! Captain Kink! and yes you will have to dress the part with me…think captain america, but with a kickass K
I’m really good at
SEX WITH MY EX hahahah jk…and writing! (this gun’s for hire, just do urself a favor and never hand me a style guide) hmmm what else…. im really good at pissing off corporate girls and red sox fans, turning you on, killing shit (hahaha jk), jumping jacks, cursive, eating, atari, candyland, the color blue, love making, making love, tiger style.

oh and kissing. Ever heard of an Australian kiss? no? really? ok, well its like a french kiss, but down under.
The first things people usually notice about me
my ghetto booty. (u better thank my momma!)

Damn, Im good looking.

12 inch penis. just kidding its only 11.75 inch. but im a growing boy so give me some time. Plus, I hear its like ears…the older you get the bigger it grows. Or is that the hotter you are the bigger it grows. i dunno give me a test drive we’ll see what happens.

I’m really not an asshole or a dick, cuz im sweet, so I guess that makes me a sweet dick or a sweet ass. literally, figuratively, u decide.

Im kinkier than a Rihanna sex tape.

that im hung like a horse…… SEAHORSE!

no jk….im really hung like a bull…………GERBIL!

ha that was just a joke…im actually hung like a light switch.

im far nicer and a bit more serious/less nutty than my profile projects, and no i dont care if you dont think its going to get me any girls, because more than likely ur the type of girl i just ranted about and therefore I would never give the time of day to! but really, im very sweet.

And i didnt give an accurate age…. im not over 30, but i dont give out any details to ppl i dont know (thats you creeper!).

I prob dont have time to write you, if u get one dont feel lucky I was probably just bored. however, i do try to respond to everyone, and im usually kinda nice.

oh im not “over 6ft” sorry gals, not everyone can be perfect prince charming, p.s. prince charming was a jerk, yup watch the first 45min, poor cinderalla. im not perfect, and i know ur not, double neg = positive, so lets date baby! any geeks out there? confirm that for me, the lassssttt thing i want is to look like an idiot on this. on a serious note, whats the deal with u girls and height..guys dont give a damn…the only height requirement y’all should have is the height inside my pants.

Speaking of math, anyone take the GRE/GMAT? what a joke. shim sham industry at its finest. More money in the fire. Worse than money in the fire girls, its time in the fire. So…
1. First, I have to pay for you and
2. Second, I have to pay for you so u can waste 3hrs of my life.

So if u just didnt get that analogy here it is….GMAT is to women as gun is to head. bingo! u get a perfect score, u high achiever you.

Hmmm, the going rate for this badboy is 50/hr. you do the math!!! ok, i will do it for you because i know 20% of you are thinking…’I dont gettt itttt’. If I go on 2 dates a week (shocking he must be a player, no…its dating ladies get over it!) thats 6 hrs of my time at 50 and 150.00 of my soft earned cash buying tasteless beers for 5 each! What are we at 450/week? 1800/mo? you want to impress a guy? take him out, cuz baby, there are a zillion of u on this site, and only 1 of me. its called pick of the litter. For the 2% out there that ‘stilll dont get ittt’, im so so sorry, but we just arent meant to be.

this girl asked me one day, ‘hey xyz have you ever paid for sex?’
Me: “no, but i sure have paid for a lot of dinners!” Zinnnggg!

Im really good at faking it in bed…goes something like “oh, oh yeah, oh yeah thats the spot, keep going, oh jeezus oh god oH OH OHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHH…deeper…harder!harder! harder harder!!!!!!! wait, too hard, way too hard, ok stop, ok no really….. ohhhhhhhhh….. AHHH!!!! AH BLAHHHAHAAHAHAHA AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!….awwwwwwwe. ok, sleepy time.”



but dont worry, im no one minute man, TIGER STYLE baby… its a guarantee….. u’ll be going to work in a wheelchair.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
all of them! actually, i dont read…unless there is big glossy pics…then i skim through.

anything with keanu. boy so fine.

“I saw a gay porno once. I didnt know it until half way in. the girls never came! THE GIRLS NEVER CAME! oh my god! I am freaking out!!!!”
The six things I could never do without
online dating rants
pizza, beer, nutella
my 85 camaro thats right bitchezzzz we ride in style!
people with a pulse
not conforming
Tiger Style!!!!!
Hot Bitchezzzzz
my wee-man, he is my He-Man
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Sex. Any guy that writes anything different is a liar. and i know u dont want anything to do with a liar. sex with you, sex with your friend, sex with you and your friend, it is the one true love, the one constant, the one desire that makes us deal with your constant dribble and monthly if not weekly hormonal hallucinations.

But dont worry, this cat isnt judgmental at all….. tall, short, black, white, fat, thin, i dont giv a… as long as u got a pretty face and can put it in the right place thats all the matters to me. besides, big girls need love too.

oh and i always practice safe sex…so i usually double bag it, one bag over ur head and another over mine… just in case urs falls off! (ohhh no he didnnttttt! ‘snap snap snap’… oh yes i did! ‘snap’)……jk girls, im wayyyy more kinky than that!

Oh and I have a ton of SEX too…. with myself that is. lend me a hand? but seriously, i dont have any std’s….that i know of. there was that one week romp in amsterdam high as a kite, found myself in a small room with this girl, she had a collar around her neck and just refused to take it off, religious reasons i think….said her name was Apple or Addam or sumthin, Maddam Addam? like i gave ah…when i woke i hadnt a clue what the fuck happened or where the fuck i was…and she just looked at me smiling…. reaaaal stalker like. Thanks Absinthe! or was it ecstasy that time?……..hmmmmmmmm.

but dont worry baby momma, Im not into one night stands. 2 nights minimum. Or night/morning that counts as long as u make me breakfast.

Speaking of morning, yeah its a must….. I mean, I wake up with a totem pole the size of a redwood ya know? gotta help my little fella out…my one eyed snake, man he needs to go back in his cave…. my italian stallion giddy down big boy! giddy down! my piece, my rod, my little unit, my junk(dont touch my junk!)…ahhhh my light switch. be gentle ok, its early…and hurry up on that breakfast!

P.S. me sleeping with you on the 1st date doesnt make u the village bike, me paying for ur dinner on the 1st date then sleeping with does this. So please dont make me make u like Madam Addam that sexy bitch she was….and throw me a dime, its fair, since I am the dessert.

but dont worry, i always have a safe word if it gets too intense…its usually sumthin like ‘doitagain’ or ‘metwa bin du wah tiki likki duwahhh’ but u gotta say it correctly or it just gets more intense.

tiger style…bite nibble claw MEEEooowwwww!
On a typical Friday night I am
running my pay per site.

thinking of u…. thinking of me. ( i just got sick in my mouth)

i dont know i dont care doing everything doing nuthing….ppl that live for the wknd blah….such a waste of a week.

oh my golden rule on this site: the hotter the girl the more issues and baggage you have. (however, nuts are usually crazy in the bag, bonus! But, i dont want to wake up with my seahorse gone astray)….. the only other option if ur a smoking hot smokeshow is that ur just a dude with a fake profile creeping on my pics. creeper!!! (but hey big boy, kinda handsome arent I, wink, wink ;)

A girl last week asked me if id have a threesome with her and another guy, WTF?! are u on drugs?! Well, since its baseball season i will put it the nicest way i can….sorry baby, I dont bat for the yankees. I play for the home team. No switch hitter in Best Guy. I bat for Boston.

I tried writing a nice guy profile, I really did, but I got sea sick while reading it. But, to prove Im not just any jerk from the streets of southie I have included a couple poems from my previous profile. I had to kink them up a bit, cuz I cant have my good name on the crap I originally wrote. Enjoy!

‘An Ode To The Woman’

You are man and you are woo
you are WooMan and I heart you.

Like a jungle flower in the early dawn
a summer breeze on virgin lawn.

you are temptress and you are muse…
and still my love, tis thee I choose.

But, fear not my temptress muse!
your inner vixen will abuse!

Tie me tightly to your soul!
(or to the nearest bedpost pole.)

whip me gently with perfumed socks!
and caress my mother earth-toned locks!

Dearest wooman,
I need you.

Take me, take me….
home with you.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
ur not that good looking…

My penis is a genuine genius, like a magic wand, a disco stick, a kinky casanova, a cute culprit of casual encounter, a kickass kock, a chicken for sum finga lickin, a matador in heat, a wooly mamouth without its coat, a jolly giant, a mushroom cloud, a rockin rock hard rod, a hotdog for your bun (hold the ketchup hun), a weapon of mass destruction, seduction, and sexual corruption….well, its quite nice id say.

Im like Clooney, the older Best Guy gets the better looking he becomes.

I didnt tell the full truth on my profile, honestly i held a lot back…think of it this way, you being you, enjoy wearing makeup, is that the full truth??? im all for it, helps my eyes out, but when we wake up next to each other in the sack, (which we will), baby i dont want that heart attack.

I am incredibly good in the bag, but Im not a whore. Unless of course you buy me dinner and drinks then I will go home with you because by that point you’ve earned it and Im kinda drunk, uve gotten 20% better looking, cuz im 3 sheets to the wind, and alas, I want to get laid just as much as you, I just admit it instead of playing some bs mind game. And I may or may not talk to you afterward, depends on what else you want to buy me.

oh and when a guy buys u dinner dont fake pay pocket book pickup, its as cliche as cliche, ok? just be a good girl, and pay for tip or at least offer it, that’s all we ask.

This is what it comes down to, girls like dicks, literally, figuratively whatever, but she wants the dick to be a nice guy, but he is a dick, and he cant be, oh he can fake it alright, but he is just a dick, so you just get hurt…the other side of the glass is lotsa girls wont date a really nice guy, cuz he’s not dick enough or hot enough, rich enough, or whatever enough, but he cant be a dick, because he is a nice guy, he can fake being a dick, but at the end of the day and at the beginning, he is “just” a nice guy and you leave him in the dirt. Oh, u feel bad about it alright, but ur less nice, more judgmental, and a bit more fake than ud like believe. hey no worries ladies, ignorance is bliss, as long as ur happy right?

conclusion: basically you dont know what you want and probably not worth our time, unless of course its on ur dime. so giddy up cowgirl and SHOW ME THE MONEYYYY!!!!!! I’ll even fake take out my wallet when the check arrives. no really, i will.
I’m looking for 
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 20-39
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends
You should message me if 
you wanna get your kink on

If you think u might like me…. like, like-like me.

when u put “curvy” on ur profile, u mean to say u look like kimmy k., not Happy the Beached Whale. but i love Happy, he is so friendly and happy… but whatever i dont really care, just let me know if i should bring the Harpoon….(beer that is).

You’re not a dude creeping on my pics…creeper!!!!

You want to date a guy that is a bit of an ass but has a pulse a ton of character and is kinda decent looking borderline wicked hot and actually quite charming and sweet…instead of choosing to date some dude, with no wit, and really not that good looking, but omg he is so nice…i feel bad, i just dont want to hurt him, oh i have an idea, he took me out for a great date and dropped a ton of money on me, so instead of womanning up and telling him thanks but no thanks on the phone and not some weak ass text message, i think i will just let him hang and not say anything. be a doll, get some balls, and cut the cord the right way, k? I love nice people, y’all should treat them better.

uve realized that im a gentleman in the streets and an animal in the sheets! TIGER STYLEEE!!!!! bite, nibble, growl, claw, pull, slap, push, cuddle, lick, thats TIGER STYLE baby! yes, i have better pics to see if im hot or not, but just trust my profile for now, deal? but, who the heck cares what i look like with the lights off, TIGERRR STYLE BABY!!!! meowwwwwwww.

oh an NO i will not facebook friend you without meeting you, even then probably not. you want the keys to my kingdom? buy me dinner, bang me silly, put a 20 in my pocket and call a cab. is that too much to ask?

One girl wrote thinking I am charlie sheen, r u serious????Im not charlie sheen im 10x charlie sheen, wayyyy more messed up…haha, he ranted coked up out of his mind, i rant sober as a saint.

So feel free to ask me out. And be sure to hit the ATM pregame, you’re gunna need it. If you are like eff this cheap asshole. 1, im not an asshole a dick or a dbag, im an ass or a sweet dick, and i know u like sweet dick, so, seriously save the drama for some rich loser that will suck the life out of you, but hey at least u got a fancy dinner, borrring zzzzz…..Besides, chivalry died with the woman’s rights movement, which of course im all for: equal pay for equal play. thanks for reading, and please note that if u can take anything from this profile, know that this is how it feels to have to read yours (minus the humor, wit, and anything of substance), so be a doll and keep it short n sweet.

And finally ladies i leave u with this music video:
(copy paste into google and u will see its not a virus)

Looking forward to sleeping with you!


If u made it this far, then cheers to you. 50% fact and 50% fiction, Best Guy is 100% awesome. Complimented with good looks, wit, humor and charm, well, he’s quite the catch id say. thanks in advance. you’re welcome.

And Best Guy would love to buy u a drink sometime…that is, as long as u get round two, three, four and five, but don’t worry momma, i wont go past 5 drinks…having my limp bizket stiffer than steel is my #1 sex appeal. And depending how hot you are, I will def cover the tip, 5% no less.


P.S.S. (with myself)

P.S.S.S.(copyright 2011 OMG!)

1 comment:

  1. What. A. Doorknob.

    Glad to see our pal is doubling down on the hilarity -- it makes it almost worth having read through that mess when you first linked it.